A BRIEF HISTORY
OF TIME
If you’re reading this, welcome to my coping corner. Making this helped me from losing it for the past days. This is not part of the birthday greeting but more like a collection of memories I had with you. We don’t have an anniversary date but you officially asked me out on your birthday. I wasn’t really planning for you to see this but maybe you’d find some sort of comfort with this too.
Update: I’m sorry if this turns out quite plain. I had a lot of plans for this but I got really sick.
*Warning: Read with caution. Themes of cheesiness, sentiment and drama. Text can be long with poor web design. If you don’t want to hear any more of me, close this page.
Hello again,
How are you? I’d like to imagine you’ve been doing well. I hope you are.
I wish I could take credit but some poet, my approximate knowledge can’t remember, once said,
I am trying to let you go
and remember you
at the same time
-mourn
I’ve been experiencing 7 stages of grief at the same time and writing my thoughts down became a way that I wanted to celebrate and reminisce the life I had with you. You could say I’ve been relentlessly going through everything I had left of you. Still finding a way to grasp those memories as well as reality itself. Maybe I’m obsessed, I am crazy after all. It also doesn’t help that I have the worst memory and I would constantly lose captured moments with you through the years. How cruel are the gods to have one that easily forgets and the other who remembers forever. So walk with me as I attempt to piece things together through this website.
*insert prom photo of us*
It surprises me how long it’s actually been but at the same time it feels like I’ve known you all my life. We were both different yet the same people since then.
You watched me change my hair the way I watched seasons change through your car window.
I watched you gag from a single bite of lettuce to you intentionally incorporating veggies in your meals. I watched you struggle with calorie counting while I was obsessed with checking the numbers on the scale. As much as you hated me watching you eat, you’d offer to watch me eat when I couldn’t eat anything.
You’ve listened to me every time I wanted to die and you held me through it. I’ve seen you breakdown, have a full-blown panic attack and question reality.
We watched each other move from one house to another.
We celebrated each other’s milestones; from graduating highschool to entering college to getting a job/ comission. Hopefully we’d get to graduate college too.
You watched me fall asleep while I watched you go through your day.
We watched each other through tiny screens until we get a small chance to see each other in person.
Suddenly, I am reminded how much we tried to forget the distance between us. But no matter how connected I felt with you, that gap will always be there.
I don’t know. I didn’t mind the distance though because I enjoyed our silly moments. I’ve always wished you could see how much I love you and your company through my eyes. So maybe I can try to give you a glimpse.
Baby Carl 2023
I’ve made countless of mistakes over the years and I know I should’ve made better choices. I am so sorry, Carl. But above all, choosing you every day for as long as I could was always the best thing I did.
As days go on, I notice how much you were part of my life. As soon as I wake up, I always reach towards my phone to send you a good morning text. You’re always the last thought in my head when I fall asleep. The rest of the day, I just find you in everything.
Who am I supposed to tell the stupid mundane stories I have, how I just tripped, I ate good food, I saw a cute plush and that I’m finally home safe?
It’s so stupid. I smile at these things, then I just cry. I write all these with so many different emotions, but I can’t lie that I feel so broken. What about everything you told me? You said you’d visit me on Christmas next year. I don’t know if you remember this, but you said you’d marry me when we’d turn 25. You said you’d never get sick of me. But it’s not fair for me to cry cause I’m the one who left, and it’s the only way I could think of to be accountable for the things I’ve done.
I just couldn’t stand seeing you hating me more and more as days and years pass by. I’d rather treasure the feeling and memory I have of us instead.
You have no idea how thankful and happy I am to live a life with you in it. You once told me, “You’d rather live this life than a thousand different others without me in it.” Meanwhile, I always believed that I would always find you in another life. You hated hearing that. And you know what? In another life, I’d still love to watch movies all day with you. In another life, I’d still love to laugh at your silly jokes and stories. In another life, I’m still wearing your hoodies and the jewelry you gave me. In another life, maybe there’s a version of me who’s better at Elden Ring. In another life, I hope you still kiss me good morning while I tell you to take care.
When that time comes, bring me flowers this time okay? I have so many things to tell you!
For now, I hope you know how much I’m rooting for you. If there are days when people doubt you or no one believes in you (including yourself), just look at the moon as a reminder that I’m here.
I can’t wait for you guys to move to the new house. I hope you were able to completely fix your computer. I hope you reach your dreams, whether it’s to graduate, finish that certificate you’ve been telling me about, or maybe even find a different career. I hope the anger and resentment you have towards me will be replaced with something that will finally excite you and make you happy. I hope life becomes everything you hoped and planned so meticulously for. I hope you continue to grow. Please live a life that would make letting you go worth all the pain. Learn to love freely without ever holding back. Learn to be gentle and kind to those who love you.
Always loving you,
Anne
If you were able to reach this far, reply (from where you got the link to this) with a blank message or anything. I just want to find closure knowing that this reached you somehow. But it’s also okay if you don’t want to. I understand.